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Keeping Secrets From My Wife

April 20, 2012

I am no marriage counselor, but I am pretty sure that keeping secrets from your spouse is bad business.  Yet, from what I read on the Internet, we crossdressers do it quite a lot.  When the guys on the Internet get caught by their wives (or they open up and tell her missing truths) they get a reaction of deep hurt due to broken trust.  Trust.  When you damage a woman’s trust for you, something often happens that I do not relate to.  I’m sure not all women are the same and I am sure that all men are not just like me.  When trust is broken like this with a woman, from my observation, a large obstacle has been introduced to into the relationship.  The obstacle is hard to remove.  Beyond this, I have no data to expound upon farther.

Now, let’s talk about me.

Normally, I post about stories about my life experiences pertaining to my crossdressing desires.  I am about to start telling stories in future posts that have a lot of secrecy associated with them.  Why do I keep secrets about my crossdressing?  I want to discuss some of my understanding about my own behavior.  I think most humans have the hardest time understanding our own behavior because of our bias and prejudice.  I will try to do well and only state the truth and state the whole truth…  I will try.

Crossdressing is embarrassing.  It was not macho.  As a boy, if I did something that was not manly enough, my siblings or classmates would mock or chide me for it.  I’m not talking about doing girly things here.  Just being awkward and nerdy brought on the reaction.  Any time crossdressing was portrayed on television, it was for comic value.  “Crossdresser were to be laughed at” is what I learned.

Crossdressing is naughty.  It pertains to sneaking around and wearing someone else’s underwear (when you are a kid).  When I would hear of someone else crossdressing, it was always negative.

Crossdressing can be sexual.  Often self gratification is related to it or comes out from it.  Sexual things are automatically intimate.

Starting out my life, I tried my best to keep my crossdressing a secret from my family.  I think I was successful.

I started out my marriage by telling my wife I crossdress.  However, the truth I told her expired.  I told her that I had stopped dressing.  But, I started back.  She knew I started back.  I even wore pantyhose and shorts around her.  (Pantyhose was basically all I was really into at that point.  Only infrequently would I put on outfits.)  My goal was to never gratify myself again.  But that was unrealistic as well.  Eventually, I gave in.  I cried hard about it.  As far as I can remember, I did not tell my wife about that.

Sometimes,  would wear around my wife, but she did not like it.  Therefore, I would wear stuff when I had the house to myself.  Or perhaps I would wear something under my clothes.  Sometimes I would go to a lingerie, etc. store where guys like me were not so abnormal and try on a dress.  Sometimes, I would let the clerk see me in the dress.  My wife would not approve about this.

Eventually, I started going to real stores and trying on clothes and even coming out to the three-way mirror to see myself.  My wife definitely would not approve of this.

The reason I did such things in secret was because she did not want to know about my dressing.  I would have gladly let her go shopping with me, but she refused.  Basically, she did not like it, and she tried to control it through denial.  What she ultimately got was less influence over it.  I do not like this.  It is just how it is.

One day, I decided that I wanted to come clean with her.  I did not want to keep any more secrets from her.  I told her this and I slowly started telling her everything I had ever done beginning with ancient history of my life.  I slowly progressed through my life telling her a story or two per day.  I did it this way because I could gauge her reaction and decide if I should abort this plan before I created a mess.

Things were going well.  One day I went to another city for an outing.  She knew about the outing.  When I got home, she started asking questions.  The questions were not an expression of friendly curiosity.  It felt more like an interrogation.  She asked me, “What did you wear?”  I was caught.  I was not going to lie to her.  I told her that I wore a skirt.  I suppose she asked because she knew I might do something like this.  Anyhow, I have been progressing in my crossdressing journey while she has been sitting back where she chose to exit the vehicle.  I had stepped way outside of her comfort zone.

She became rather upset.  She was angry with me.  This is what I was concerned about.  She is rejecting the truth, she is resisting the truth, and therefore, she cannot handle the truth.  I am a crossdresser.  I will always be a crossdresser.  Even if I never wear anything again.  It is always in my head.  When I stop crossdressing for a while, I find myself starting to crave other stuff that is worse, in my opinion.  The thing is, she kind of relates.  She has her own hang-ups.  Of course, women’s hang-ups always seem to be more socially acceptable than men’s…  It took a few days for this problem to settle down.  But it did.  We are still in love.  I do not detect any more fallout from it.  She praises me publicly for the quality of husband and father I am.  I try to be good as I can.  I truly love her and I believe she truly loves me.

With this explosion, I had what I was slowly seeking.  I cannot tell her everything.  She cannot handle it.  If she cannot handle that I went to a store in a skirt, she probably is not going to handle me flying in a plane in one.  (I’ll get to that story eventually.)

I have stopped progressing through my crossdressing story with her.  I am sure I will eventually pick back up.  She has become more accepting of some things.  I have started to wear pantyhose around her more.  But it is not easy for a non-crossdressing woman to progress through this journey when she doesn’t have the hormones (or whatever it is) urging her to drive forward.

Now, let me acknowledge something.  When I ignore her wishes and go out crossdressed, I am being selfish.  Crossdressing is a self-centered act.  Selfishness is the opposite of true love.  When I give myself what I want and implicitly refuse her, I am not loving my wife the way I ought to.  I suppose one could argue that her unilaterally rejecting me the option of being what I kind of already am is selfish on her part… but I am writing this paragraph to say that I am not some innocent victim.  I am being a jerk to give in to my desires at her expense.  I am not doing right and I know it.  Her not being able to handle the truth is not an effort by me to insult her.  I would say that it is a weakness in our relationship that we cannot be completely open with one another.  Whether you like it or not, the truth is good to know.  Secrets is hiding the truth.  Keeping secrets is not good.  But, I am doing it.

Timeline note: I have been progressing through my life in my blog posts.  Since a lot of secret keeping is about to begin in my life story, I added this post.  The event where she asked me, “What did you wear?” occurred about six years after my last post about wearing a skirt to work.  I will eventually get to the present… but let me cover the milestones as the passed me.

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From → True Stories

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